Dear Prudie ~~ I can top that!

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. Let's get to it.

Q. Haunting Photo: My fiance (with whom I'm expecting a child in three months) has a photo of his deceased sister-in-law in his wallet. Right where people usually display pictures of their sweethearts or kids, there she is. I told him that was kind of weird and asked if he would remove it. He said yes, but it remained there a few days later. I put his driver's license in front of the photo but later saw that he moved the license elsewhere. Later, I gave him a printed picture of the ultrasound scan of our baby. I saw it left in the car for several days. I later broached the subject of removing the SIL's photo again because I found it creepy and disturbing. His response was, "I can't take the picture out and put it just anywhere." I angrily asked why the ultrasound picture of our child could be left carelessly in the car, but a photo of his SIL had to be treated with such respect. He said nothing. If he had just removed it, then it wouldn't be an issue, but now this is driving me crazy. Why on earth is he so protective about the photo? And how can I get him to remove it?

A: I have been married for 17 years, and for all I know my husband has a photo of my sister in his wallet. Perhaps he has a photo of Lindsay Lohan. I cannot imagine pawing through his wallet trying to censor his photographs. A photo of your fiance’s late sister-in-law has a prominent place in his wallet and therefore by his hip, and now you can barely think about anything else. Even accounting for the heightened emotions some people experience during pregnancy, I can't understand why you care. Maybe if you had borrowed $20 from him and saw her photo you could have said, "I see that you keep a photo of Eliza in your wallet. You must have cared for her a lot." That way you would have had a chance to understand her place of honor. But you blew it by acting as if you were entitled to monitor this very private property. I'm assuming this sister-in-law died young. Maybe your fiance feels moved to honor her short life. Maybe, as it sounds you suspect, he had unusually strong feelings for her. So what? You're about to have this man's child, and you're spending all your emotional energy on your jealousy of a dead woman. You say this photo is creepy, but I find creepy and intrusive your demand that he display an ultrasound scan of your child. You're going to be a mother, and since you're engaged I'm presuming you don't want to be a single one. That means you need to be able to recognize what conflicts are necessary to address and distinguish those from irrational demands that will only make you impossible to live with. Your question shouldn't be about getting your fiance to remove the photo, but instead you should be asking yourself how you remove this obsession from your own mind.

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Hey now!  I can top that!

How about older brother taking pictures of our mom as she was dying and when she was dead and he was waiting for the body pick-up people?  And nicely arranging them in a new photo album and hauling it out to show to me and other visitors?

Creepy!

I hope the OP can resolve her issues.  Privacy is important in marriage, but even more important when raising children.  Want to lose your teen's trust?  Read her/his diary, which you happened upon while "cleaning" his/her room. Then ask questions about it.  Awkward conversation.  Don't do it!  Thanks, mom, for that valuable lesson (not).  Your criteria of "never write anything you would be ashamed to have read at your funereal" has spawned more writer's block than I care to think about.