Arterial Intercourse (Not Safe)

One of the Solstice presents I ordered for Stargazer was National Lampoon's The Job of Sex. In reading over the table of contents, the entry on "arterial intercourse" caught my eye.

I believe copyright law allows me to quote a salient passage in the interests of scholarship.

Page 176:

"Sometimes called mainlining. Not many people try it. Gives a nice, tight feeling for both man and woman. Usually a favorite with surgeons and nurses . . . . It is a complicated technique that involves the use of anesthesia . . . so it's better to do it . . . a doctor. . . . The female partner must be strapped to an operating table and put into a semi-unconscious state. Arterial intercourse should be done quickly and efficiently. You can't afford much foreplay. Do not lubricate . . . with ointment or oil. Females over 65 should be cautioned. Their arteries may be too hard and brittle to accommodate a large penis."

Umm, I'm glad I'm only 51?

Of course I had to Google it.  Even with safe search off, the images were surprisingly dull. Many were of boxes of Viagra and Vigora. There were images of men looking manly and satisfied

 and many cardiovascular diagrams, like this one:

Turns me on!

Of course I had to read a few pages, like this one, which instructs men to achieve  a healthy penis by 

falling asleep immediately after the last thrust.

"Theoretically, the more nocturnal erections you have, the more flexible your erectile tissue will become. And that may help keep erections strong as the years wear on," explains Dr Irwin Goldstein, Managing Director of San Diego Sexual Medicine Center at Alvarado Hospital, California. . . .  Every night while you're sleeping like a baby, your tackle is wide awake – you have between three and five hour-long erections. Those erections are not there just to make life interesting for your bedmate (although be assured she's aware of them), they work to recharge your penis – keeping it well-nourished with oxygenated blood. "Theoretically, the more nocturnal erections you have, the more flexible your erectile tissue will become. And that may help keep erections strong as the years wear on," explains Dr Irwin Goldstein, Managing Director of San Diego Sexual Medicine Center at Alvarado Hospital, California. . . . And that may help keep erections strong as the years wear on, explains Dr Irwin Goldstein, Managing Director of San Diego Sexual Medicine Center at Alvarado Hospital, California.