The War of Tipping and The Question of Boundaries
Aryante:
A while ago, I wrote in about how I don't get the tips at the sushi bar that I work at and the angry guy that wanted to sue over soy sauce. I've now been at this job since September and had my first revelation of a lifetime.
To my dearest customers:
I'm sorry, but I'm sure that I hate all of you.
And why might one ask? Well, one night, a costumer found out that I don't keep the tips. And the shit hit the fan. I guess she just told every damn soul that walks through the door because the next thing I know, I have costumers (Only the regulars so far) putting my tip in the front pocket of my apron. Because of the social anxiety (Mentioned in the post about angry soy sauce man) I can NOT have people touch me. I can't handle it. It freaks me out. But enough costumers have been doing this, because they heard that I don't get my tip if they leave it on the table for me, that I have had an attack at work.
It's the sweetest of intentions, all the hearts are in the right
place. But for the love of personal space, stop touching me. It makes me
feel violated and I still put the money in the jar so the chef gets
paid. 
And on another note:
I feel just as awkward if you send your 3 year old to hand me the tip. Not only will I be sad that I have to disappoint your child, but your child starts screaming when I put it in the jar. I have resorted to bribing the kids with candy so they don't cry on me. I've also threatened to make the miso fairy take a nap so there won't be any soup. On the upside, The palce is placed with Heavenspawns. It's amazing, polite children that say please and thank you.
Now, I have a question about boundaries with my boss. (And that is an interesting sentence) I've known her since the store opened about 4-5 years ago. However, since I started working there, I noticed things that bother me.
1) She trusts me waaaay too much.
Example: The other day, she handed me $20 to get her some water chesnuts at the store because she couldn't find them. When I got back, she didn't bother counting the change. She just assumed that I handed everything back.
Example: About a month ago, the store was EMPTY. Crazy Empty. She sat down behind the counter and I played with her son for my entire shift. At the end of my shift, I ask if it was fine for me to go. No response. So, I touched her arm to get her attention. She screams. Turns out, she had fallen asleep. Leaving me as the only person keeping her son and daughter safe and preventing any robberies
Example: SHE LEFT ME IN CHARGE OF THE ENTIRE PLACE.
2) Free food, that's right, i'm upset over free food.
Example: At the end of every shift, she sends me home with 2rolls, whatever I want. For free. I'm sure this would bother me less if I wasn't allergic to fish and my sister didn't steal the rolls. But at a minimium, that's about $15 a night in food. for every waitress (because I;m not the only waitress anymore, there's now two of us!!) And she gives a lot of food to other people. It's nice, but its bad for her business.
Example: She makes random, and I do mean random, snacks and will give me some too. I guess if she's making it for her kids, then dishing some out for me is no biggie.
So Question time: it's not a lot of stuff bothering me, but I'm wondering if I should chalk it up to a cultural difference (She's an amazing Chinese woman, just brought her son and husband over last year). Or if I should be freaked out by the overtrusting and overfeeding qualites? Do I need to explain to her that being that trusted makes me nervous? Or should I be flattered?
Also, sidenote, the sushi chef is moving so I MIGHT be getting my tips from now on :D
--Aryante
I
work with two japanese ladies in my job and they ALWAYS give me candy
from Japan and snacks and one heard I was moving and made my husband and
I a new table cloth for our new home to bring good luck as she says. I
asked her about all of it one day and was told that its custom for
japanese women (at least older ones) to share and take care of people.
Could just be a culture thing to her. Also I've noticed that they treat
people they know well as a part of the family, so maybe she trusts you
and sends you home with free food because she has that same mentality.
Wait...
You're complaining because your boss trusts you? Wow. Y'know, that's
really a compliment to you, y'know.... If her not courting the change
out bothers you, count it out yourself not the table, or something?
"There you are, four-seventy-three left out of the twenty you gave me."
As for her falling asleep and leaving you in charge, again, she trusts you THAT much! Her kids, her livelihood, in your hands. Again, wow. If you don't want her sleeping (and she must have been exhausted, to do so at work, sitting up...), maybe you'll have to talk to her more when she gets too quiet over there?
And I do sympathize about the tip/touching thing - no matter what you do, that can only be awkward! I don't have any suggestions for that. Maybe you could tell a little white lie to the customers and allow them to think you DO get the tips?
As for her falling asleep and leaving you in charge, again, she trusts you THAT much! Her kids, her livelihood, in your hands. Again, wow. If you don't want her sleeping (and she must have been exhausted, to do so at work, sitting up...), maybe you'll have to talk to her more when she gets too quiet over there?
And I do sympathize about the tip/touching thing - no matter what you do, that can only be awkward! I don't have any suggestions for that. Maybe you could tell a little white lie to the customers and allow them to think you DO get the tips?
I
would personally be flattered with that kind of trust. Your boss may see
you as more than an employee, maybe even a confidant and friend.
If you feel uncomfortable taking anything, the next time it happens politely explain that you simply feel uncomfortable, but are very flattered and thankful of her offer.
When it comes to customers, I suggest holding out your hand for a handshake. That way, they have a way to tip you discretely, and aren't invading your personal bubble. When you're sure they're gone, put the tip in the jar. Let people show you their appreciation, it makes them happy; and your business benefits from the profit and goodwill.
If you feel uncomfortable taking anything, the next time it happens politely explain that you simply feel uncomfortable, but are very flattered and thankful of her offer.
When it comes to customers, I suggest holding out your hand for a handshake. That way, they have a way to tip you discretely, and aren't invading your personal bubble. When you're sure they're gone, put the tip in the jar. Let people show you their appreciation, it makes them happy; and your business benefits from the profit and goodwill.
So wait ... you are complaining about all of this?
It sounds like a situation many, many people would kill to be in.
It sounds like a situation many, many people would kill to be in.
I can
sure understand the touching thing as thats something that is obviously
upsetting to you mentally. I don't really have any advice in how to
deal with the tipping thing as here in New Zealand tipping simply
doesn't exist anywhere. The only thing I can think to do is let
customers know about your touching phobia (Sorry if its not a phobia but
thats the best word I can think of to describe it) and ask them to just
put the tip on the table and then you pick it up and put it in your
pocket and thank them, then when they leave you can take it out of your
pocket and put it in the jar.
However as the others have said I don't understand why you are so upset about your boss trusting you, if its anxiety over doing something wrong or the pressure then I slightly understand more, but you should take it as a compliment, as it shows that she has trust and faith in you, if she didn't think you could handle running the shift or anything that came up then she would have made sure she stayed awake, so I would definitely be flattered by it as she obviously thinks you have the ability to run the whole store and more importantly if you keep this up then when you leave you will have managerial and shift running experience and she will give a fantastic letter of recommendation to your next boss.
As for the free food, I don't see the issue on her side, if she wants to give her staff free food as a thank you then I think you should take it, to quote an old saying "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth".
All in all, Bosses like yours who trust and look after their staff well are very hard to come by and you should be incredibly thankful for her, as I can attest that very few bosses are actually like that.
However as the others have said I don't understand why you are so upset about your boss trusting you, if its anxiety over doing something wrong or the pressure then I slightly understand more, but you should take it as a compliment, as it shows that she has trust and faith in you, if she didn't think you could handle running the shift or anything that came up then she would have made sure she stayed awake, so I would definitely be flattered by it as she obviously thinks you have the ability to run the whole store and more importantly if you keep this up then when you leave you will have managerial and shift running experience and she will give a fantastic letter of recommendation to your next boss.
As for the free food, I don't see the issue on her side, if she wants to give her staff free food as a thank you then I think you should take it, to quote an old saying "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth".
All in all, Bosses like yours who trust and look after their staff well are very hard to come by and you should be incredibly thankful for her, as I can attest that very few bosses are actually like that.
I
agree with you about the leaving you in charge of the store and falling
asleep so you have to watch her kids because those are a possible
liability, but I really don't see what the big deal is about her giving
you money to buy stuff for her.
My boss at the baby store would send me on Starbucks runs for her and have me take her credit card along to pay. It's a risk, sure, but if she makes the decision to take it, what does it matter?
My boss at the baby store would send me on Starbucks runs for her and have me take her credit card along to pay. It's a risk, sure, but if she makes the decision to take it, what does it matter?
Another
thought: You don't know that your boss didn't ever count the change
either. Maybe she did later, but was too well mannered to do it right in
front of you.
Or maybe she really did just trust you.
But either situation is a rare find in an employer, so count yourself lucky!
Or maybe she really did just trust you.
But either situation is a rare find in an employer, so count yourself lucky!
Chinese
culture has a big thing about feeding people, so that's the only thing I
can chime in on: don't feel weird about that. She's probably going to
give you food forever. *laughs* My Chinese relatives send me so much
food I end up needing a cooler to take it all home. >.<
Be thankful your boss trusts you that much.
But the touching thing *is* something you have a legitimate beef on. Maybe tell your customers just to leave the money on the table regardless? Tell them you're cool with the fact the money goes elsewhere and they don't need to try and give it directly to you?
But the touching thing *is* something you have a legitimate beef on. Maybe tell your customers just to leave the money on the table regardless? Tell them you're cool with the fact the money goes elsewhere and they don't need to try and give it directly to you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
!!! Resources for Social Anxiety
Social Phobia: Least Understood Anxiety Disorder
www.socialphobia.org/social.htmlSocial anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, ...What Is Social Anxiety Disorder? Symptoms, Treatments, & More
www.webmd.com/anxiety.../mental-health-social-anxiety-disorderSocial anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety ...NIMH · Anxiety Disorders
www.nimh.nih.gov › Health Topics › Publicationsby O Home - Related articles
Other common rituals are a need to repeatedly check things, touch things .... People with social phobia have an intense, persistent, and chronic fear of being ...Aphenphosmphobia - Fear Of Being Touched - Symptoms of Anxiety ...
www.symptoms-of-anxiety-depression.com/aphenphosmphobia-fear-...Many people suffer from Aphenphosmphobia - fear of being touched (Haphephobia) and I had to learn ... Phobia Release was helpful to me and I have been able to allow people to touch me once again. ... AddThis Social Bookmark Button ... Worried No More: Help and Hope for Anxious Children - Google Books Result
books.google.com/books?isbn=0967734738...Aureen Pinto Wagner - 2002 - Family & Relationships - 162 pages
Figure 1 7: Gradual Exposure Hierarchy for Contamination Fears All exposure exercises are to be ... Figure 18: Gradual Exposure Hierarchy for Social Anxiety ...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to my site for Aphenphosmphobia. In hopes of trying to provide some helpful information, I have searched the Internet looking for information on Aphenphosmphobia (being touched fear, being touched phobia, fear of being touched, phobia of being touched, Aphephobia, Chiraptophobia, Haphephobia, Haptephobia). Please note I am not a doctor and only provide this site for informational purposes. I hope you will find some benefit in the site. Best wishes! ~Edd~
Dude, I have a word you might find useful: Aphenphosmphobia,
And here's an URL you might like, too:
http://www.symptoms-of-anxiety-depression.com/aphenphosmphobia-fear-being-touched.html
I really feel for you. There have been times in my life where I've felt maybe a tiny fraction of your panic. I remember wanting to tear the bleach-blonde {with jet black roots, how stylish!} hair right off the head of a PE student teacher in high school. Um, I'm sure you meant well, but if you liked my performance, a simple "Good work!" would have meant a lot more to me.
I know some of my issue with touch has to do with my insane mother, but this is a comment, not a story, so I'll leave it at that.
Best wishes!
grateful joi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.symptoms-of-anxiety-depression.com/enxaiety-phobia-cure.html
Thanks a million! "
You Could Be Phobia-Free. Yes, Cured!
I highly recommend Anxiety and Phobia Cure in 5 Days
The 5-day NLP Phobia Release e-Course is a self-help e-course that promises to psychologically treat painful phobic experiences. The E-course has been recently launched by the Founder/President Mr. Jan Heering of the renowned Morpheus Institute at Amsterdam. A renowned mental coach, psychological trainer and author, Mr. Heering, claims that his phobia release program is an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) based treatment that has been programmed 'to help you with your assistance'.
Chronic phobia patients (whose private and public lives had literally become Hell due to the recurrent phobia attacks) and who self-treated themselves as part of a research conducted to testify the efficacy of the therapy have corroborated the truth of this assertion.
Nearly 97% of the patients agreeing to take the treatment have admitted to the beneficial effects of the cure. A recovered and contented patient said – "The NLP Phobia Release Program, unlike medicine-based treatments, guarantees permanent cure, easing of all fears and phobias".
A 9-part,5 day program comprising exercises such as Block Fear From Your Memory, Fear Collapse Technique, Fast Fear Changer and other deep-concentration exercises. The 5-Day NLP Phobia Release E-course re-programs ‘the erroneous assemblage’ of your mental codes. This goes on to effect changes in the unconscious mind leading to the liberation of fears and phobias.
Each single part of the program is an attitude-changing, fear releasing exercise. The techniques are essentially easy and you will benefit equally if you concentrate on any one exercise instead of on all the 9 exercises.
With no special guidelines or dictates to follow and not being time-consuming either, the advantages of the 5-Day NLP Release E-course are too apparent.
The novel treatment is here to stay, because it promises all-round benefits. The NLP Phobia Release Treatment not only alleviates fears and phobias, it happens to be your entry pass to a normal, free life.
If you really value your freedom, commit yourself to the cares of the 5-Day NLP Phobia Release E-course and enjoy life to the hilt.
For more information about fast phobia release, visit 5-day NLP
